Loving the iPhone...adoption a complete fantasy

I am home sick from work today so might as well do a little update. I got my iPhone this weekend and love it!! It cost more than I anticipated because my current contract still had a year left but being a loyal customer they cut me a few deals to make it bearable. We'll see if they live by their word on the next bill lol. I love the phone though! Would recommend it for sure Francesca. This is how I keep my mind off of the bigger issues in life...a little bit of toy therapy :)

As far as the adoption goes...it doesn't really. It is a complete fantasy right now and I can't even picture it happening anymore. I have begun to make plans for events and gatherings without even thinking about the adoption as it is that far beyond my realm of comprehension right now. A friend is having a housewarming May 1st and both Pat and I accepted invitations on Facebook without hesitation...without even thinking about where we'll be or if we'll be parents by that time. We just assumed we will be still here in Ottawa and still childless. I'm not even willing the phone to ring or obsessively checking my email anymore. It's weird. I guess for me I just reached a point of utter despair then popped out the other side somewhat indifferent to the whole thing. It appears to be the only way for me to handle what is happening. I guess I'm tired of being mad, sad, frustrated and helpless. I've decided to live my life and if it happens wonderful and if it doesn't...well...I just won't think about that right now. What else can one do after being through 2 failed referrals and now waiting for 8 months since the 3rd referral with the last bit of news being "there are complications"? Might as well not think about it anymore and just try to enjoy life.

Now, back to my iPhone...it is so much fun!

Third time's a charm??....I really really hope so!!

Well we got a bit of news today. There are a couple of complications with our file...dreaded words! However, we've been told that it shouldn't delay things more than a couple more weeks...we'll see. I just can't believe after everything we've been through that we are facing complications...again! Something else came out of this complicated factor that I cannot speak of yet but it is potentially big, confusing and life changing. So much thinking will have to happen now...maybe conversations with people...

At this point I just want to know that this is going to happen...is this going to happen?? Should we have put his name on the door? I am having trouble looking at pictures of him right now. I have trouble envisioning this happening.

Anyway, we will as always stay positive and assume everything will work out...

Happy 8 months

8 months old! Wow! We thought we would have been with him to celebrate. Now my hope is that we will be united with him when he's 9 months although I'm not holding my breath that's for sure. This means we've been waiting to get him for 7 1/2 months...yikes!! Will this wait ever end??

So....what's happening in your life?

Because nothing is happening in ours...other than work, and life in general I suppose. I've reached a point now where I have had to admit that things are not going to happen anytime soon. I have decided to try and train myself to not think we will get the call any day. It is not helpful for my emotional stability at this point. So I am making the decision to assume that this is not going to happen this month and I am now focusing on the hope that we will get over there in April or May. That is my hope now. My dream is to get him before he turns 9th months on April 21st but I think it is more likely that we will get him at close to 10 months. That's my gut feeling at this point.

I just hope it happens! The fear that there is something wrong and that the referral will fall through has been strong lately as much as I have tried to not let those thoughts enter my mind. I have begun to have difficulty talking about him because I am so scared that we will never meet him. The adoption has completely turned into a fantasy again. I can't even visualize it anymore. Anyway, it has been a tough week, no doubt about it.

On the upside (I have to always end a post with an upside) I am going to be getting an IPhone next week and I can't wait. I have finally completed 2 years on my latest contract and can now trade in for a new phone. Yay!

Still waiting

Well, here we are...still waiting. No word, no news, nothing. It has now been over a month since we were told that it would hopefully be any day. That is over a month of staring at the phone every single day willing it to ring. Being frustrated and cranky when it is someone on the other end who is not the agency with the news we've been waiting for. Over a month of checking my email umpteen times a day. Over a month of having to field daily "Did you hear anything yet?" questions. I am surprised I am still functioning at this point. I did jokingly (sort of) tell Pat on Monday that if another week went by without news he should probably expect to have me checked in to a padded cell with sedatives. It really is amazing how strong we can be ("we" as in humans in general) as it is another dreaded week gone by and I am not in the padded cell sedated as I had originally suspected I would be. I have already trained myself to begin thinking hopefully about next week. Telling myself that next week is when we will hear something. In a way the weekends are a bit of a relief in that I know we won;t hear anything so I don't have to stare at the phone and check my emails constantly (well, to be honest I still do...just in case).

Well patient readers, family, friends...we are still waiting, we have not heard anything, I am not in a padded cell and next week is a brand new week full of hope and possibility. I hope my next post will not be next Saturday, but rather during the week and it will be letting everybody know that the most anticipated phone call of my life thus far (even more anticipated then my acceptance to law school) has happened and that we are finally on our way to our little water buffalo...

Sigh

Friday was a very difficult day for me. Any PAP will tell you that you have good days and bad days with this process. So Friday was one of those bad days. I watched the clock at work and when 10am rolled around I knew we were not going to hear anything and were facing another weekend. I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt despondent. Then I sucked it up as I always do and tried to look forward to the weekend. What makes it especially difficult for us is that we've had troubles with the process in the past. Last summer we had a failed referral that "failed" at the last moment. We were waiting to travel, just like now, and the bottom fell out. As much as we try not to think about this now, it invariably creeps into our minds and the paranoia sets in. "What if there's a problem with the file?" What if it's going to fall through again?". It is so difficult for those thoughts not to rear their ugly heads. But at this point, the only thing that will banish them for good would be to get that cherished call.

Our agency director emailed today (in response to a somewhat paranoid email from me) and assured us that as far as she knew everything was ok and that our file is being worked on. She also told us to hang in there. That may not seem like much to the average reader but to us these simple emails mean the world. It certainly allowed us to face today with renewed optimism. I'm not going to say that the worry and paranoia are gone, but I will say that we have good days and bad days and today is one of the better ones.

We decided to treat ourselves to a trip to one of the second hand baby stores in the Glebe today. And...we found a pair of hockey Robeez! For those without young children, Robeez are these little Canadian made leather slippers with little designs on them. They are great for baby feet as they grip but are not structured so they allow baby's feet to grow and move. Anyway, we have 5 pairs now including our latest find. I have never seen the hockey pair before. They have 2 crossed sticks and a puck. Super cute. We also have turtles, dump trucks, foxes and cars. So cute!....yikes, what's happening to me?? lol

That's all for now....here's hoping we get some good news this week! In the meantime here are some pics of his room (hoping I haven't jinxed anything here). We will have murals on the walls a some point too:

Blah

I haven't posted in a while because...well...there is nothing to post. No news, nothing at all :( I'm beginning to wonder again if this will ever happen. My new time line involves hoping we get there before he turns 8 months on March 21st but frankly that is looking very unlikely at this point...and I thought we'd be there the end of February. Oh well, not much we can do but try not to think about it.

Another family who has been patiently waiting finally got their call. They will be booking their flights tomorrow. At least someone is getting good news. I will follow their blog and hope one day we will have something interesting to put on our own blog...