Up until recently I hadn't been feeling anxious about our second wait to adopt. Everything has been going as planned, no bumps, smooth sailing. Well now that I know the call to travel should be coming soon I am finally starting to get restless and impatient. We do know that the average time for the children to receive their outgoing visas is currently 12-16 weeks. We also know, according to our agency's monthly newsletter, that the last few families have waited 13 weeks. Well next week is 13 weeks! We are close people! Very close. As a result it is feeling very real now and I want to hurry up and go get him (well, Pat is going but still). This whole process had been far less stressful than Van's but I am still scared something is going to go wrong. After all we've been through the wringer in the past. Anyway, here's hoping the call comes next week!!!
On the Van front he sure is becoming more and more of a character and definitely knows what he likes and doesn't like especially now that he is able to tell us and others quite clearly now. I leave you with this little tid bit. Ah, my son.....We generally listen to alt/indie/folk rock and Van is exposed to it daily. We tried the Sharon, Lois and Bram stuff and frankly it drove us bananas and Van didn't seem to really be into it. So our selfish selves decided music is music right? And as long as he is exposed to music that's the important thing. So yesterday in the car, in anticipation of going to see Springsteen in TO tonight, Pat was playing his new CD (which he's been playing on and off for a couple of months). Pat loves Springsteen! At one point Pat decided to turn the radio on and Van got upset and said he wanted the music back on. It gets better...yesterday at nap time one of the daycare workers started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star at which point Van says"Stop! I want The Boss!". She struggled to understand what he meant then said "Oh, Springsteen?!" and Van said "Yes, sing Thunder Road." hahaha! Luckily the daycare teacher loves the Boss and knew the song. He is his father's son that's for sure hehehe.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Third birthday, updated pictures and the wait to travel
Hello, sorry it has been awhile since my last really decent post. Between my two week trip to Italy and the UK and Van's grandmother (Pat's mom) being in town I just haven't gotten around to posting. A lot has happened in the last month. First Van started his new daycare. He is doing really well there and it is obvious that we made the right decision. Just being around a lot of peers his own age has helped him. His language skills have improved as has his imaginary play. These were two things that he has struggled a bit with at times. We really lucked out getting a spot in this daycare. We have been asked a few times how we managed to get him in there as the waiting list is so long. The integration services woman assigned to us said that Van is in the creme de la creme of licensed daycares. I had no idea lol. It was just one of the places I decided to cold call. Van's diagnosis expedited him to the front of the list. If there are any readers with a child on the spectrum looking for a daycare please give Algonquin Early Learning Centre a call as you never know! Van really does love the place. He's even made a friend which is huge for an ASD kiddo. Apparently he and his friend are inseparable.
Van has had a busy couple of weeks! He turned 3 on the 21st of July. His birthday basically lasted a week as there were various celebrations. On the Saturday (the 21st) we attended the yearly pot luck pool party in Greely with other adoptive families. It is really neat to see the kids every year. They are growing fast!! After we got home we had a cake for Van and allowed him to open some presents. He did struggle a bit and became overstimulated which usually brings on stimming behaviour. We have to try and figure out ways to balance these types of events. Perhaps cake in the evening and presents the next day....things to think about. The next day we went to Max and Vanh's for their 4th birthday party. Many of the same kids from the Saturday were there so it was like a second adoption event. I just love seeing all the kids together!! Finally this past Sunday we had a little birthday party for him with a few friend's and their kids (the usual suspects that were also at his 2nd birthday). Again poor Van struggled and there are times when I wonder if he really gets anything out of these events or if we are doing it for us more than him. It is a tough one for sure. I don't know if there is a right answer. I do know that we will have traditional birthday parties for our second son so it seems we should do the same for Van. Maybe when he is older he can tell us if he wants these parties.
In other news we received updated pictures and a video of Yihyun. What a wonderful surprise. Even more special because Grandmother was here to see them. The pictures are simply beautiful and obviously taken by a professional. The video and a few of the pictures were taken at his Dol (sometimes spelled Tol). here is a link to wiki explaining it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_birthday_celebrations
Such a neat and beautiful tradition. We were told that Yihyun chose the mandarin symbol which means he will be a scholar. Items for scholar often include pencils or books etc. Although it would have been so nice to be able to be with him on his first birthday, I am immensely grateful that he had the opportunity to experience it in Korea. We could never have matched the celebration they had for him! He will have the pictures and video with him always!
We are still waiting to get the travel call. We believe we may get it sometime this month! After much discussion we have decided that Pat alone will travel to pick up Yihyun. I of course want to go more than anything but financially it just does not make sense, and, more importantly, we just don't think it would be a good idea to leave Van with someone without one of us being here. This is already going to be a very stressful transition for him that having a virtual stranger (his aunt but basically a stranger as she lives in another province) showing up and us leaving for a week then returning with another child we think would be too much. It was an extremely difficult decision but for our family it is the right decision. I know I will be back to Korea in the future. There is no question of that not happening. There will be many birth country visits in our future for our boys and even possibly a sabbatical involving living in both countries for a few months.
On a final note we have chosen our second son's final name (or should I say names lol). A Korean American friend of mine recommended giving him a Western first name and keeping his Korean name as his middle name. It was a difficult decision but we have taken his advice. We will call him Gerad Yihyun (then his Korean last name and our last names). The Gerad is a nod to Pat's father Gerald who passed away a number of years ago. So Gerad will have his entire Korean name as his legal name. If he wants to drop the Western names at a later date he can with little difficulty. It's always a very emotional experience changing anything with respect to adopted children. Our feeling has always been to try and preserve as much of who they were before us as possible. We already have so much control over their lives and they have no input. We have striven to reach a union of the two with both boys as that is who they will grow up to be. Their feet in two different worlds. We have a duty to ensure that their access to the world they came from is smooth and easy.
Here are pictures of Van's busy birthday week and updated pics of Gerad Yihyun.
The third annual TDH adoptive family picnic.
Van's little family birthday on the actual day (Van, mommy, daddy and grandmother).
Max and Vanh's 4th birthday party:
Van's 3rd party with friends:
Hanging out with grandmother:
Gerad Yihyun:
Van has had a busy couple of weeks! He turned 3 on the 21st of July. His birthday basically lasted a week as there were various celebrations. On the Saturday (the 21st) we attended the yearly pot luck pool party in Greely with other adoptive families. It is really neat to see the kids every year. They are growing fast!! After we got home we had a cake for Van and allowed him to open some presents. He did struggle a bit and became overstimulated which usually brings on stimming behaviour. We have to try and figure out ways to balance these types of events. Perhaps cake in the evening and presents the next day....things to think about. The next day we went to Max and Vanh's for their 4th birthday party. Many of the same kids from the Saturday were there so it was like a second adoption event. I just love seeing all the kids together!! Finally this past Sunday we had a little birthday party for him with a few friend's and their kids (the usual suspects that were also at his 2nd birthday). Again poor Van struggled and there are times when I wonder if he really gets anything out of these events or if we are doing it for us more than him. It is a tough one for sure. I don't know if there is a right answer. I do know that we will have traditional birthday parties for our second son so it seems we should do the same for Van. Maybe when he is older he can tell us if he wants these parties.
In other news we received updated pictures and a video of Yihyun. What a wonderful surprise. Even more special because Grandmother was here to see them. The pictures are simply beautiful and obviously taken by a professional. The video and a few of the pictures were taken at his Dol (sometimes spelled Tol). here is a link to wiki explaining it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_birthday_celebrations
Such a neat and beautiful tradition. We were told that Yihyun chose the mandarin symbol which means he will be a scholar. Items for scholar often include pencils or books etc. Although it would have been so nice to be able to be with him on his first birthday, I am immensely grateful that he had the opportunity to experience it in Korea. We could never have matched the celebration they had for him! He will have the pictures and video with him always!
We are still waiting to get the travel call. We believe we may get it sometime this month! After much discussion we have decided that Pat alone will travel to pick up Yihyun. I of course want to go more than anything but financially it just does not make sense, and, more importantly, we just don't think it would be a good idea to leave Van with someone without one of us being here. This is already going to be a very stressful transition for him that having a virtual stranger (his aunt but basically a stranger as she lives in another province) showing up and us leaving for a week then returning with another child we think would be too much. It was an extremely difficult decision but for our family it is the right decision. I know I will be back to Korea in the future. There is no question of that not happening. There will be many birth country visits in our future for our boys and even possibly a sabbatical involving living in both countries for a few months.
On a final note we have chosen our second son's final name (or should I say names lol). A Korean American friend of mine recommended giving him a Western first name and keeping his Korean name as his middle name. It was a difficult decision but we have taken his advice. We will call him Gerad Yihyun (then his Korean last name and our last names). The Gerad is a nod to Pat's father Gerald who passed away a number of years ago. So Gerad will have his entire Korean name as his legal name. If he wants to drop the Western names at a later date he can with little difficulty. It's always a very emotional experience changing anything with respect to adopted children. Our feeling has always been to try and preserve as much of who they were before us as possible. We already have so much control over their lives and they have no input. We have striven to reach a union of the two with both boys as that is who they will grow up to be. Their feet in two different worlds. We have a duty to ensure that their access to the world they came from is smooth and easy.
Here are pictures of Van's busy birthday week and updated pics of Gerad Yihyun.
The third annual TDH adoptive family picnic.
Van's little family birthday on the actual day (Van, mommy, daddy and grandmother).
Max and Vanh's 4th birthday party:
Van's 3rd party with friends:
Hanging out with grandmother:
Gerad Yihyun:
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Missing baby boy
Before becoming a family of three both Pat and I decided we wok each get a solo adventure or two. My solo adventure is a trip to Europe. I am currently sitting on a balcony just outside of Venice, Italy and thoroughly enjoying my time.....however I am seriously missing my little family. I am incredibly sad that I missed baby boy's first week in his new daycare. Pat assures me he is doing great. I have skyped twice which I think really freaks him out lol. Especially as each time I have been with a couple of friends he doesn't recognize. Poor peanut. I don't think he really understands what is happening as I am rarely away. I plan on doing. Full new post once I am home. Baby brother will be hopefully ready to join our family in August. Crazy! I send loving vibes to both my baby boys who are far from me right now. I am somewhere in between them!
Monday, June 4, 2012
Van is a big brother! We got the call!!
Well what a day last Thursday was!I had the day off work because I had to go to day surgery to have an IUD placed (a story for another day but man the process is painful! Needed the sedation!). It is not recommended to have any valuables there so I gave my cell phones (yes I have two, work and personal lol) to Pat. While I was waiting to get wheeled into the OR the thought that today might be the day and I don't have my phone crossed my mind. I dismissed it as too much of a coincidence as this would be the first time I wouldn't have my phone for 5 hours. I mean come on. Well when Pat picks me up a couple hours later he's looking a bit misty eyed and I'm thinking how nice, he was worried about me...but come on it was a minor (and I mean minor) procedure. Not like him to be that emotional. He was also being extra affectionate and squeezing my hand. Then we walk right past the parking machine and I wonder why. He seemed distracted. Once we get in the car he reached into his pocket and pulled out this little packet of pictures and said "I have something for you". I could just see this little smiling face as the pictures were moving towards me in slow motion (well it felt like slow motion). I knew then what was going on and I started to bawl. Then Pat started to cry and laugh and we both started to cry and laugh like maniacs. We then set about devouring the 14 pictures of our second son like kids in a candy store. It was such a different experience than with Van. Van's referral came on the heels of a failed referral so was bitter sweet. We were not able to experience the pure joy as in this case. We finally got to have the referral experience that everybody speaks of. And it was glorious! Of course there is always still going to be a bitter moment (okay, a lifetime of moments) while you process the loss experienced by the birth mother. There is great loss associated with adoption and that can never be forgotten. More on that in another post.
So without further ado please meet Yihyun, Van's little brother. He's just over a year old and our wait to travel will be from 2-4 months (the wait for a visa). It's cool to be able to post pictures right away. Another difference in the process. Indeed so far this process has been remarkably smooth with no surprises. Virtually no stress.
Finally, to make the moment even sweeter, May 31st was also Van's gotcha day. 2 years since his adoption. Happy gotcha day little man!
So without further ado please meet Yihyun, Van's little brother. He's just over a year old and our wait to travel will be from 2-4 months (the wait for a visa). It's cool to be able to post pictures right away. Another difference in the process. Indeed so far this process has been remarkably smooth with no surprises. Virtually no stress.
Finally, to make the moment even sweeter, May 31st was also Van's gotcha day. 2 years since his adoption. Happy gotcha day little man!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
"Autismland"
I am reading a great book right now called "Bad Animals: a father's accidental education in autism" by Montreal writer Joel Yanofsky. It's the sort of narrative that really appeals to me because it is realistic, raw and humorous. There is nothing flowery about it. His son is 11 and considered high functioning as well (whatever that means). What is so interesting is that I see so many of the same behaviors and quirks in Van that he describes in his son. What also hits home for me is his honesty and constant questioning as to whether he is a good or even good enough father. I think about the same thing constantly. Especially on a day like today I.e. mother's day. I am often plagued with guilty thoughts and it is reassuring to know I am not alone. I really recommend this book for anyone who is wondering what life with Van is like on a day to day basis (and me as well probably lol). It's a really unflinching look at the isolation involved with raising a child with autism. Both external and internal. I am not trying to be negative here just honest. There are moments of wonder and deep love and admiration too believe me but that's not all there is. In one of the chapters he describes a play date between his son and another boy with more severe autism and comments both doing their own "thing" happily lost in Autismland. That is Van in a nutshell much of the time. He is happily lost in Autismland. Whether at the park, in the backyard, at a play date, he is on his own in his own world. This is one of the reasons why his psychologist recommended moving him to a more structured daycare. A chance for him to be lured out of his shell perhaps amongst other things.
Another common theme in the above book and others is the worry parents suddenly have about the future that is different than those worries of parents with typical children. Gone are the thoughts about will he play hockey or what profession will he decide to pursue. These thoughts are replaced with thoughts about whether he'll have friends, make it through school, have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), live alone? Will he be bullied or be able to ride a bus alone? Cross the road? All parents worry about their kids, we just have different worries, altered expectations.
We have made a decision about his daycare (I hope lol). We were pretty smitten with a lovely one in the Glebe but were not sure if it would offer the level of structure needed. We then contemplated a very nice and warm private school but it was a bit out of our price range (save that as a possible elementary school option). We were getting pretty overwhelmed by the whole search frankly and really needed to know we were making the right decision. Luckily I got a call back from Algonquin Early Learning Centre and went to see them. They expedited Van through their substantial waiting list and have offered us a spot for July. We think it will be a good fit as it's a teaching daycare so they have very experienced staff. We will also be getting help from Andrew Fleck's integration services. I'll be happy to have the daycare issue over with that's for sure!
No word on the second adoption. Still waiting. We're used to waiting though so the anxiety is low right now. In fact sometimes a couple of days go by without me even thinking about it. Imagine! Lol
Here are a few recent pics.
"Tea" at Neila's third birthday party:
New ride:
Another common theme in the above book and others is the worry parents suddenly have about the future that is different than those worries of parents with typical children. Gone are the thoughts about will he play hockey or what profession will he decide to pursue. These thoughts are replaced with thoughts about whether he'll have friends, make it through school, have a girlfriend (or boyfriend), live alone? Will he be bullied or be able to ride a bus alone? Cross the road? All parents worry about their kids, we just have different worries, altered expectations.
We have made a decision about his daycare (I hope lol). We were pretty smitten with a lovely one in the Glebe but were not sure if it would offer the level of structure needed. We then contemplated a very nice and warm private school but it was a bit out of our price range (save that as a possible elementary school option). We were getting pretty overwhelmed by the whole search frankly and really needed to know we were making the right decision. Luckily I got a call back from Algonquin Early Learning Centre and went to see them. They expedited Van through their substantial waiting list and have offered us a spot for July. We think it will be a good fit as it's a teaching daycare so they have very experienced staff. We will also be getting help from Andrew Fleck's integration services. I'll be happy to have the daycare issue over with that's for sure!
No word on the second adoption. Still waiting. We're used to waiting though so the anxiety is low right now. In fact sometimes a couple of days go by without me even thinking about it. Imagine! Lol
Here are a few recent pics.
"Tea" at Neila's third birthday party:
New ride:
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Challenges in the community at large and finding a new daycare
Last week was a challenging one. As we venture out into the world anew as the parents of a child with autism this world that seemed somewhat friendly before has suddenly become a little on the hostile side. We have already come to realize that we will need to be strong advocates for Van. Our whole view on our lives and future are beginning to shift as his future becomes the integral sun that our planets are circling intensely. Obviously parents with "typical" children focus with similar intensity on their children's future but for us it has moved into a new realm. As before we wanted what was best for him within reason, now we will sacrifice whatever we need to, to ensure that he has the absolute best, perhaps without reason. In the past two weeks we have spent copious amounts of time visiting and researching daycare facilities, researching autism and attending the Ottawa branch office of the Ontario Autism Society (where we spent two hours speaking with the family intake coordinator and browsing through their resources), and getting our ducks in a row to tackle the large list of potential resource providers. We thought the paperwork ended with the adoption process. But no, another huge mountain of paperwork awaits. Ugh.
So we have already faced what I imagine will be a lifetime of societal hurdles. Last week we were invited to attend one of the daycares we had contacted. It is a private school recommended by our psychologist. Oddly they asked us to bring Van too (oddly because normally you meet them first before dragging the child along). Well it seems they had no intention of offering him a spot. It turned into the principle painting this frightening picture to us regarding the struggles with having a child with autism and how they wouldn't want to take him as he would be disruptive to the children already there (it went on and on but that's just a sample). It was awful. We left feeling dirty somehow. I of course complained afterwards and told them to revisit their policies. I guess complaining will have to become second nature now.
The second experience was at the YMCA. We were overjoyed to discover that child minding services are provided to members while you work out. Great we thought! $5 for 2 hours, in the meantime Pat and I get to work out together. All they asked was what his name and age was. I recognize I probably should have mentioned the autism but frankly it's new for us and we were still at that point where maybe there was a tiny bit of denial (no more though I can tell you). When I went to pick him up one of the fellows working there came up to me and stated in an unfriendly tone that Van "needed to learn to listen better". He proceeded to glare at me then at Van. I then told him that Van has autism and that one of his struggles is listening. He then got angry and stated that nobody told him that. This is true, I hadn't mentioned it and I accept this was wrong but my god this is a young child. Surely they have struggled with behaviour issues before. Van is not the kind of kid who throws things or has massive tantrums. He just goes into his own world and shuts others out. His behaviour can't possibly have been the worst they've experienced but this guy made me feel like it was. Needless to say I was upset. A bit of crying and yet more complaining to management. They assure me that it was all a misunderstanding and that Van is welcome back at any time. I hope so because respite is important when you have a child, especially one with special needs. But do I trust that this guy will be patient and understanding with my son?
It is obvious there will be many future struggles that we will have to work through and that advocating for my son will become my second full time job. That's ok, he's my son. That's what I'm here for. To protect him and try and give him the best life possible. That is why we are now leaning towards another, much nicer, private school for him. Initially we were thinking only daycare but now we are beginning to assess our finances and are leaning towards some sacrifices so that we can keep him in private school for the next few years. Whatever is best for him has become our motto.
On a final note, the family intake worker at Autism Ontario said that siblings can be so very helpful to those with autism. We were worried that a sibling may not be a great addition. But we were reassured that it will be a positive thing for Van....for our future child as well I hope.
So we have already faced what I imagine will be a lifetime of societal hurdles. Last week we were invited to attend one of the daycares we had contacted. It is a private school recommended by our psychologist. Oddly they asked us to bring Van too (oddly because normally you meet them first before dragging the child along). Well it seems they had no intention of offering him a spot. It turned into the principle painting this frightening picture to us regarding the struggles with having a child with autism and how they wouldn't want to take him as he would be disruptive to the children already there (it went on and on but that's just a sample). It was awful. We left feeling dirty somehow. I of course complained afterwards and told them to revisit their policies. I guess complaining will have to become second nature now.
The second experience was at the YMCA. We were overjoyed to discover that child minding services are provided to members while you work out. Great we thought! $5 for 2 hours, in the meantime Pat and I get to work out together. All they asked was what his name and age was. I recognize I probably should have mentioned the autism but frankly it's new for us and we were still at that point where maybe there was a tiny bit of denial (no more though I can tell you). When I went to pick him up one of the fellows working there came up to me and stated in an unfriendly tone that Van "needed to learn to listen better". He proceeded to glare at me then at Van. I then told him that Van has autism and that one of his struggles is listening. He then got angry and stated that nobody told him that. This is true, I hadn't mentioned it and I accept this was wrong but my god this is a young child. Surely they have struggled with behaviour issues before. Van is not the kind of kid who throws things or has massive tantrums. He just goes into his own world and shuts others out. His behaviour can't possibly have been the worst they've experienced but this guy made me feel like it was. Needless to say I was upset. A bit of crying and yet more complaining to management. They assure me that it was all a misunderstanding and that Van is welcome back at any time. I hope so because respite is important when you have a child, especially one with special needs. But do I trust that this guy will be patient and understanding with my son?
It is obvious there will be many future struggles that we will have to work through and that advocating for my son will become my second full time job. That's ok, he's my son. That's what I'm here for. To protect him and try and give him the best life possible. That is why we are now leaning towards another, much nicer, private school for him. Initially we were thinking only daycare but now we are beginning to assess our finances and are leaning towards some sacrifices so that we can keep him in private school for the next few years. Whatever is best for him has become our motto.
On a final note, the family intake worker at Autism Ontario said that siblings can be so very helpful to those with autism. We were worried that a sibling may not be a great addition. But we were reassured that it will be a positive thing for Van....for our future child as well I hope.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Some pictures for my faithful readers :)
Easter weekend involved walks in the park, playground time and an egg hunt with best friends Max and Vanh.
I love this picture. They look like they are two philosophers on a contemplative walk, or two generals discussing strategy. Vanh is obviously imparting some sage wisdom.
Enjoying the spoils:
I love this picture. They look like they are two philosophers on a contemplative walk, or two generals discussing strategy. Vanh is obviously imparting some sage wisdom.
Enjoying the spoils:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
