Challenges in the community at large and finding a new daycare

Last week was a challenging one. As we venture out into the world anew as the parents of a child with autism this world that seemed somewhat friendly before has suddenly become a little on the hostile side. We have already come to realize that we will need to be strong advocates for Van. Our whole view on our lives and future are beginning to shift as his future becomes the integral sun that our planets are circling intensely. Obviously parents with "typical" children focus with similar intensity on their children's future but for us it has moved into a new realm. As before we wanted what was best for him within reason, now we will sacrifice whatever we need to, to ensure that he has the absolute best, perhaps without reason. In the past two weeks we have spent copious amounts of time visiting and researching daycare facilities, researching autism and attending the Ottawa branch office of the Ontario Autism Society (where we spent two hours speaking with the family intake coordinator and browsing through their resources), and getting our ducks in a row to tackle the large list of potential resource providers. We thought the paperwork ended with the adoption process. But no, another huge mountain of paperwork awaits. Ugh.

So we have already faced what I imagine will be a lifetime of societal hurdles. Last week we were invited to attend one of the daycares we had contacted. It is a private school recommended by our psychologist. Oddly they asked us to bring Van too (oddly because normally you meet them first before dragging the child along). Well it seems they had no intention of offering him a spot. It turned into the principle painting this frightening picture to us regarding the struggles with having a child with autism and how they wouldn't want to take him as he would be disruptive to the children already there (it went on and on but that's just a sample). It was awful. We left feeling dirty somehow. I of course complained afterwards and told them to revisit their policies. I guess complaining will have to become second nature now.

The second experience was at the YMCA. We were overjoyed to discover that child minding services are provided to members while you work out. Great we thought! $5 for 2 hours, in the meantime Pat and I get to work out together. All they asked was what his name and age was. I recognize I probably should have mentioned the autism but frankly it's new for us and we were still at that point where maybe there was a tiny bit of denial (no more though I can tell you). When I went to pick him up one of the fellows working there came up to me and stated in an unfriendly tone that Van "needed to learn to listen better". He proceeded to glare at me then at Van. I then told him that Van has autism and that one of his struggles is listening. He then got angry and stated that nobody told him that. This is true, I hadn't mentioned it and I accept this was wrong but my god this is a young child. Surely they have struggled with behaviour issues before. Van is not the kind of kid who throws things or has massive tantrums. He just goes into his own world and shuts others out. His behaviour can't possibly have been the worst they've experienced but this guy made me feel like it was. Needless to say I was upset. A bit of crying and yet more complaining to management. They assure me that it was all a misunderstanding and that Van is welcome back at any time. I hope so because respite is important when you have a child, especially one with special needs. But do I trust that this guy will be patient and understanding with my son?

It is obvious there will be many future struggles that we will have to work through and that advocating for my son will become my second full time job. That's ok, he's my son. That's what I'm here for. To protect him and try and give him the best life possible. That is why we are now leaning towards another, much nicer, private school for him. Initially we were thinking only daycare but now we are beginning to assess our finances and are leaning towards some sacrifices so that we can keep him in private school for the next few years. Whatever is best for him has become our motto.

On a final note, the family intake worker at Autism Ontario said that siblings can be so very helpful to those with autism. We were worried that a sibling may not be a great addition. But we were reassured that it will be a positive thing for Van....for our future child as well I hope.

Some pictures for my faithful readers :)

Easter weekend involved walks in the park, playground time and an egg hunt with best friends Max and Vanh.





I love this picture. They look like they are two philosophers on a contemplative walk, or two generals discussing strategy. Vanh is obviously imparting some sage wisdom.






Enjoying the spoils:

Is anybody still reading??

I am trying to determine if anybody is still reading the blog as nobody has commented in some time. If nobody is reading then I may just close it down...

Thanks!

ASD and a new journey begins

For the second time since starting this blog I debated the writing of a post. But again after much thought I have decided yes. Writing about this is important because the blog is "Life with our little water buffalo" and this will be a large part of that life.

Those close to our little family have known that we have continued to struggle with aspects of Van's behaviour. After months had passed by we could no longer comfortably state that they were adoption related and would dissipate with time. So in January we decided to follow up on a referral made for us a year previous and took him in to be assessed by a child psychologist. After two months of assessing the diagnosis was made just over a week ago. Our little man has suspected high functioning autism spectrum disorder. Wow. I can't say it came as a shock as we had been doing our own periodic research of his "quirks" shall we say and this was certainly something that fit. We were not upset, actually just relieved. Relieved to know that our gut feelings had been correct, relieved to now have something to work with and work towards.

We are now entering another phase and beginning another journey with little man. A new community awaits. He is a special little guy that's for sure. He will be a part of three communities now: Vietnamese adoption community; Korean adoption community; and the autism community. We have some work ahead of of us including moving him to a new daycare. This will be a sad move because his home daycare provider is lovely and she adores Van and he her. But he needs a more structured environment. He is also extremely intelligent and needs to have stimulation and peers. Mind you the stimulation needs to be very specific.

There are so many things that we need to learn. I need to constantly be aware of his needs and moods (I am pretty much anyway due to instinctive parenting thus far). For instance I need to recognize that when he is continuously running around the table in the back yard it is not because he finds it fun but because he is stuck in a misfiring circuit that I need to help him out of. That when he's pointing at nothing and asking loudly "what's that" over and over that he needs me to rest my hand gently on his shoulder and tell him to relax (more circuit interruption). Or that I need to let him state certain things at certain times of the day, every day if doing so is comforting to him. Or that I have to accept that I will never be able to sit on the floor with him and play because he doesn't like that and it makes him agitated. On the other hand he is happy...just such a happy little guy when he is able to relax. Always ready with a smile that would melt your heart. When he asks for his hugs and kisses I do not care in the least if it is part of his routine. I know that he needs them when I feel his body relax against mine. He is such a special little guy and I know it's going to be a long sometimes tough journey but I wouldn't know what to do without him....I just wouldn't.....so the journey is a necessary part of being the ones given the special job of being his parents.

So this blog will be taking yet another little twist. It will now be about Vietnamese adoption, Korean adoption and raising a child with autism.

I will add a few pictures as soon as they've been uploaded.

Swing face

I've been wanting to do this compilation for awhile lol. There are more but they are on our cell phone. So I figured one at a year old, at two and at two years and eight months(last ones are not a swing but same face) should give readers an idea haha.

Two posts in one month!

Well I am proud of myself! This is the first time I've posted twice in the same month in, well, months! I have the intention to keep posting as often as I can for two reasons, one I would like to continue writing about our lives with Van and two because I want our second child to have a record of our wait for him/her.

The second time around is definitely different. When we were waiting for a referral and then waiting for Van I was obsessed with blogging, obsessed with time lines and spent much of my time checking emails and staring at the phone hoping for news. I often read back over the blog BV (before Van) and remember those feelings of helplessness, excitement, frustration and anticipation. Things are so much different the second time around. Mainly because I am working and, of course, I have my sweet little man Van to keep me occupied. I am so thankful to have him as my son! Even with all of our struggles. We are so lucky! I have been reading the blogs of a few waiting parents lately and I so remember those feelings, those fears. But now the fear is that they will never become parents. I definitely recognize how absolutely lucky we are to have Van and how additionally lucky we are to be mere months away from our second. Especially at a time when international adoption, and adoption in general, is on a severe decline and many prospective parents face a possibility of a life without children. This saddens me considering there are still so many children in Canada and around the world who need a family and so many families who so desperately want to be parents.

So back to the wait. It is so different this time around. I definitely think about the second child everyday and glance at the phone periodically but it is not with anywhere close to the amount of obsession as the first time around. I am not compulsively checking emails or checking my phone...ok well maybe a couple of times a day lol. But every so often it hits me!! We have a little person waiting to join our family. He/she has likely been born already. We could get that call tomorrow, next month or eight months from now. In some ways there is more uncertainty and in other ways it is all much more certain. Still no control though but I am okay with that this time around.

Here are some pics of the sole performer. Someday soon he will have to share the limelight!

Playground at the experimental farm. Wet but he was happy:




We finally made the time to go and visit Auntie Manon in Hawkesbury. Being able to watch Curious George on the drive made it an enjoyable trip all around!

The Canada geese are back! Spring is in the air (actually it was one of the summer like days with temps at +25. Strange to have summer weather with snow on the ground):


Marching after mommy:


Not sure what we are looking at here but apparently it is pretty interesting:





By the way the hat he is wearing in the previous few pics is traditionally Korean (from Korea anyway, not sure how "traditional" it is). We went to a xmas party in December put on by the Korean adoption community association. The Korean community in Ottawa is very involved with the adoption community which is great (this is very different from our experience with the Vietnamese community). At the end of the party they were giving families these hats as well as beautiful calenders with pictures from Korea. I think Van looks super cute in his hat :)

March already!

Jaysus time goes by fast. I was determined to spend more time on the blog in 2012 but clearly that hasn't happened yet! I had hoped to at least get an entry once a month. So here's hoping I can manage from here on in.

Things are trucking along as always here. The winter hasn't been as bad this year so we've been able to get out and about. We registered Van for a couple of Ottawa recreation classes as we've been trying to figure out what his likes and dislikes are as far as activities go. He doesn't really show a lot of interest in much other than his movies and Thomas the Tank Engine episodes. He also really loves the train table we got him for xmas. So we decided to test the waters on a few classes, skating and gymnastics. Well skating was a complete bust! He really struggles taking instruction when there is any distraction at all and if it is something that requires focus then it is pretty much a no go. Skating involved one of us holding him up (to the detriment of our backs lol) while he flailed his legs about. Sadly the instructor lost interest in him after the first class because he would not listen to her at all. Patience and perseverance is the name of the game when attempting to teach skills to any toddler but this is especially true with our little guy. He is also as stubborn as all get out so he was going to try and get up his way or no way lol. Eeep...sufficed to say skating will have to wait for another couple of years. Gymnastics has been slightly more successful as he can attempt things without much focus. He definitely struggles with any of the group activities and is pretty much in his own, overstimulated, world which involves a lot of looking around in a slightly agitated way. Once we move on to the individual circuit though he seems to calm and be able to focus a bit better. Apparently he is very strong according to the instructor and she has even suggested rock climbing! Hmmm, he's not a fan of heights so I'm not sure about that one lol. Plus he's only 32 months old...Anyway, we'll keep trying and I'm sure eventually he'll find his niche. The search for patient instructors is also part of the picture. Any suggestions or recommendations would be most welcome.

February was interesting and fun as a friend of mine from the UK came to stay with us for 10 days. The interesting part was that she brought her 3 1/2 year old son Dillon. We figured we'd get an idea of how Van will be with a little brother in the house (of course Dillon is older but still). The result was not too bad at all. He can be a little aggressive with other kids (pinching and scratching mostly) and he didn't disappoint with Dillon around in his space. But he adjusted very well. One thing we did realize is that our little man needs his down time to decompress from life and the stimulus it brings. For awhile now we have been allowing him to watch a favourite show or part of a movie once he gets back from daycare. He truly needs this time to zone out and relax. It has made a big difference for him. We didn't realize how much he needed it until Dillon was here. A bouncy 3 1/2 year old who's been waiting all day to play with his buddy Van was a little overwhelming for said Van. We realized after a couple of days we'd have to make poor Dillon wait until after dinner to play. Van just needed his time to decompress. Dillon was a real trooper and so understanding. The sweetest kid. After getting Van back to his routine the aggression subsided substantially. All things to think about when we get our second!!

On that note, our dossier is now in Korea!! It was sent over at the beginning of February. That means that technically the referral could come at any time! Wow! We've heard of families getting referrals within 2 weeks of the dossier being in Korea. The matching process there is very specific and they work hard to match the children with waiting families. They base the match on different factors including physical appearance. So the wait could be days or months. One thing is pretty certain though, our son (small chance daughter) has already been born! The matching happens when the children are over a year old. As the wait time for referral doesn't usually go past 8 months it stands to reason that we are already parents for a second time! The thought blows my mind...again... We are very excited about Van being a big brother. He loves to help any way he can so I can imagine he'll get a real kick out of helping with his little sibling :) We are pretty nervous too though as we have our routines here down to a fine science lol. It will be tough at first to juggle the needs of the second with the needs of Van. We'll figure it out though. Many families before and many families after have and will.

Anyway, here are a few pics from the last couple of months (only meant to upload a couple but when you only blog every 2 months...):

Tet celebration put on by the Vietnamese Embassy:




Tet celebration put on by Samantha, Woody, Max and Vanh:





Fun with Dillon:





Claire and Dillon...and Chibi:


Buds for life :)